18. (An apology letter.)

Nothing in life is worth this amount of negative feeling

Fly Higher, Icarus.

I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s happening to me.

It was beginning to subdue to mere momentary flashes. Every Sunday, either at 3 pm or 3 am. There would be a spontaneous explosion of loud, unwanted thoughts- like fireworks, and they’d usually ends up as tears. An hour or so of hiding in a corner, of shaking all over, and then it’d be over. After that would be six days of relative calm. Six-day-gap before it’s Sunday again.

It’s crazy to know the schedule of your crazy, but it was predictable. It was tolerable. Now I think my crazy forgot to check the calendar. 

It’s Monday already. I have it with me, until now. My leg is furiously shaking as I try to vomit to this space what my whole being won’t let go of. It’s suffocating. There’s a tiny black hole consuming me mercilessly and I can’t stop getting sucked…

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He was a Good Boy

jamiegillespie

I have depression and anxiety which thankfully now is completely manageable.

It hasn’t always been.

Years ago when I was at my very worst I lost my job, my flat and I had to move back home with my family. I thought I had let everyone down. I felt like a failure.

As days and then months passed I wasn’t improving. I got as low as I could possibly get, making myself sick with crazy circular thinking.

Then something changed.

My Dad got a dog.

Tyson was a dog my Dad rescued from a shelter. He was mongrel of an unknown hybrid. To me he looked like the cross of an Alsatian and a Greyhound.

While my parents were at work and my sister was at college it would just be Tyson and me at home.

It’s very hard to stay in bed all day when a living creature is demanding you take it…

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Easter

Today is the first day of the last week of the Easter break for me. Exams are looming, and there is coursework due this time next week. I’ve not started to revise or do anywork yet despite having so much free time. I did this last year and was disappointed with my grades. I need B B B to go to Edinburgh University but still I can’t pull myself to begin working. I write this as I sit in the bath at 10:50am with no endeavour to leave and begin work. The angst of being a teen is too great to be thi easily overcome. 

Might give this a shot 

 

Poetry

Perhaps it is time for me to mention that I love poetry and that I often write some of my own… This is one of my first, if it touches you or makes you feel anything, please comment.

Trapped in a crystal maze 

Lost by the searing gaze

That echoes deep within my soul

The magnificent, dark, as coal

The fatal bonds of deception chaining me to this monster I have become

Fearful and flightless, lamented and righteous

Razing to the ground, their temples

Idols and idiocy hosting

Parasites among men

Grief flourishes amongst them

Plaguing and promising

As we lay waste, celestially engineering destruction 

What does the Future Hold?

I know im important… The truth is, ive spent too long being interested in philosophy and deep thought to still value my own importance in a world of 8 biilion living and innumerable dead and yet to be born, its not a worry I afflict myself with regularly because  i’m smart enough to know, nothing will come of me. This does not stop me lusting for importance or ‘fame’. Its an internal conflict that is on my mind enough for those late nights awake to keep me stirred. I want the memories of me to live on long after I die, and i cant bare the thought of dying alone, unloved and unfulfilled.

what you can not , see.

Relateable and thought provoking

sharktoothsweater

There is a world, inside of me

One that no one can ever grasp,

nor that can imagine imagination

and realize realisation

where truth lies in the corners of the eye

where the stairs lead to

a place you can not see

that is where you will

maybe find a small part of the real me.

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Another Day

Pretty standard day as it goes. Nothing particularly interesting. Been playing far too much Dota and CS:GO and far too little revision and coursework… Nothing’s changed. Listening to:

Feeling this vibe.

feeling rain

Feelin dat shit

geography of an existence

she feels rain like she hasn’t lived in this town her whole life. she tastes the floor of every tongue and the buds invade her dreams. i’m sitting here and longing to feel the storm manifest in my bones again. to feel what she feels. tasting the freckles of another day, feeling rain like it wasn’t just another sentence.

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Emotion

so i’ve been chatting to a couple girls and right now im feeling pretty vulnerable. Theres one girl on my mind whos a gamer, but she says she’s not looking for a relationship, we get on well when im not pestering her to play with me instead of her mates. This sort of unachieveableness along with my worry about exams and coursework in addition to how late it is, is making me feel emosh. I just feel like Im an extra in a tv programme. I feel my life is a catalogue of disappointment and failure. I wish she liked me. 

Deep Shit

Just went out to pick up the dog shit in the garden because the gardener’s coming over tomorrow… Couldn’t be arsed to get my shoes so I went out bare footed, needless to say the rocks and stones hurt my feet… and then i stood in a pool of my dog’s diahorreah.

#Onlytome